Last night I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep, when I started thinking about Logan...as I often do. It's always amazing to me that whenever he is awake and being fussy I wish that he was asleep, but whenever he is asleep I wish he were awake so I could cuddle and hold him close. It got me thinking about how much I love and yet how much I despise Time. Time is the best of things and the yet worst of things. It is my love, but also my enemy.
I'm thankful for Time when things are going well, or when things aren't and "it" passes and I don't have to stress about "x", when I get a chance to relax or sleep, etc....(I think you get what I'm trying to say). While, on the other hand, time is the worst thing imaginable. I absolutely hate that Logan is growing up. I hate that time is stealing my baby away from me and making him grow up entirely too fast. I hate that I don't have all the time in the world to watch Logan sleep, or play on the ground with him and laugh for hours, or adore his smile, make him laugh, rock him to sleep and kiss his sweet innocent little head! I hate that one day he won't wake up from his nap, wrap his arms around me and rest his head on my shoulder until he wakes up a bit more.
I can't wait for these next 4 1/2 months to pass because then we will have our 2nd sweet, amazing boy to love and kiss, hold and cuddle. But, here I am again in my love/hate relationship with Time. I want Time to pass because I want my newest baby boy, but I don't want it to pass because I desperately don't want Logan to be 4 1/2 months older than he already is. Logan will be nearly 1 year old by the time baby #2 arrives. How can that be?
I've been reading this book called, "A Mother's Book of Secrets", by Linda Eyre & Shawni Eyre Pothier. In the book Shawni says something that really hit me. She says, "It's true that as a mother there is always a never-ending list of things to accomplish....But are we successful if we didn't notice the look on our child's face when he learned to 'pump' on the swing by himself? Is it success if we got lunch done and put the kids down for naps in fifteen minutes' time so we could finish catching up on the 'important projects' if we forgot to help the kids finish the puzzle we promised we would? Sometimes success is when we don't get through the to-do list but instead stop long enough to notice the little things. To savor moments. Not only to notice the delight in our children's eyes, but to help create that delight".
The other quote is from Pulitzer Prize- winning author Anna Quindlen, who writes: "The biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make....I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three of [my children] sitting on the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept through the night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less".
Cogitation (as my friend Jena would say): Enjoy the moment. Every single one. I want to remember these days and love them before they are gone.